[He rolls his eyes at that, the effect ruined by his smile.]
I can always count on you to boost my ego, Murphy.
[But the joking is an improvement, so he'll take it.]
You want to tell me what's really bothering you?
[It's something deeper than Riverstone, he thinks. Fear and wanting to run are one thing. That look on his face when he was browsing the network and his refusal to use the empathy bond is another.]
[ Murphy keeps staring at Bellamy's hand, fighting the urge to just take it. He'd feel so much better if he did. But Bellamy would feel so much worse. ]
All of it. It's the same damn thing all over again. Someone comes along and decides this is the only way to save their friends, and you're disposable to them, so fuck whatever you have to say about it.
[He says it quietly, capitulating a bit. With the way Murphy is staring, he can guess that he's arguing with himself, and so Bellamy turns his hand palm up, a silent invitation.]
Yeah. The last time she set foot in a lab, she got bodysnatched by an immortal serial killer. Of course she's afraid.
[ Damn it, Bellamy. Murphy stares for another second more before tentatively taking his hand. With that contact comes the wave of nauseating dread he's been keeping locked up since he saw this stupid post, with a fresh dose of guilt over Clarke on top of it all. ]
[Bellamy laces their fingers together, squeezing gently. His own emotions aren't quite so intense, but he's worried and more than a little frustrated. His anxiety is more for Clarke and Murphy than for himself. He sighs, and his response is more annoyed mumbling than anything else.]
Damn it, Rey.
[He can't imagine how she thought this would go well for anyone.]
[Bellamy hesitates for a second, not entirely sure what he's about to do will be welcome, then he lifts their joined hands, pressing a kiss to Murphy's knuckles.]
[ It's not an unwelcome gesture, but it is a surprise. Enough to momentarily distract Murphy from everything else, washing his fear away and replacing it with gratitude and slightly flustered affection. He leans up against Bellamy, the way he's been wanting to this whole time, and rests his cheek on his shoulder. ]
Guess we'll just keep an eye on this thing until Clarke weighs in.
[Flustered is a thing he never thought he'd feel from Murphy, and he smiles in return. He hadn't realized how much he needed the contact, but when Murphy settles against him, the tension drains from his shoulders, his anxiety ebbing. Bellamy rests his head against Murphy's, letting out a slow breath.]
Yeah, I guess so. Too bad. I was looking forward to you telling people how stupid they are.
Oh, it's never too late for me to tell people how stupid they are.
[ Murphy isn't in any particular rush to get back to the debate, though. This is nice, right now, and if he starts thinking too hard about the testing then he'll have to let go of Bellamy again. He's not about to subject Bellamy to his turmoil all night, no matter how nice it is to be comforted. ]
[There's nothing they can do about it right this second anyway. Talking to Rey is like trying to reason with a brick wall, and Clarke's not around to work out a plan with. That means Bellamy's focus is Murphy.]
[And he knows reiterating that they're in this together and will figure it out won't help. Murphy knows that. There's still too much uncertainty and loss of control.]
[At some point, Bellamy knows they're going to have to figure out what they're actually doing here and what all of this means. Right now, though, he's perfectly content to kiss Murphy back, slow and soft, hand coming up to cup his cheek.]
[ There's no better cure for Murphy's anxiety. Everything that was knocked askew by his panic settles - at least temporarily - into the kind of tranquility that comes with knowing he won't be facing anything alone. Bellamy is with him. In more ways than one, maybe.
He relishes the moment. And when the kiss finally breaks, he rests his forehead against Bellamy's, fingers combing through his curls. ]
[He doesn't pull back or even so much as move, just soaks in the contact. The past few days, he's been fighting the constant urge to reach for Murphy. He's not entirely sure what the expectations are, but now that they're here, he wants to linger.]
[ Nothing about that statement, coming from Bellamy, should surprise Murphy by now. Some version of it accompanied every pep talk Bellamy ever gave him on the Ring. And it's not like he doesn't recognize what Bellamy feels for him every time they touch.
Hearing it now, though, sends a pang straight to Murphy's heart. There's a part of him that will never believe he belongs anywhere, and evidence to the contrary will never not shake him. ]
I'm glad I stayed.
[ He's halfway into another kiss even as he says the words, his lips brushing up against Bellamy's. ]
[That little pang makes Bellamy's chest ache. He wonders if Murphy will ever move past that assumption that he's the least vital to any group he's in, or if it'll always be there in the back of his head, like Bellamy's guilt.
If he needs to remind Murphy of the truth every single day, he will, and this seems like a decent place to start. Bellamy slips his hand back to cradle the nape of Murphy's neck, urging him closer.]
[ Murphy gives in eagerly, with a fervent kiss. He's sorry Bellamy ever has to feel his doubt, but he can feel this, too: the relief of the reminder, the warmth it sends through him. If Murphy can't feel entirely safe anywhere, he does at least feel safest here.
He doesn't fully break away when he whispers a suggestion: ]
[Bellamy lets out a quiet, surprised laugh at that. Of course he wants to, but... he also considers this a crisis, and there's no fun allowed during those.
He sighs, shifting to bury his face in the crook of Murphy's neck, the empathy bond making it clear how torn he is.]
Later?
[He murmurs it softly, running an apologetic hand through Murphy's hair.]
I need to figure this out first.
[And he's sure Lexa and Clarke will be looking for them soon.]
[ But Murphy is neither surprised nor annoyed by that response. In his opinion, they would both benefit by not thinking about this shit until Clarke comes around to give the orders. Bellamy's just not that type of guy anymore.
That said, Murphy draws back in an effort to be less distracting. ]
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I can always count on you to boost my ego, Murphy.
[But the joking is an improvement, so he'll take it.]
You want to tell me what's really bothering you?
[It's something deeper than Riverstone, he thinks. Fear and wanting to run are one thing. That look on his face when he was browsing the network and his refusal to use the empathy bond is another.]
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All of it. It's the same damn thing all over again. Someone comes along and decides this is the only way to save their friends, and you're disposable to them, so fuck whatever you have to say about it.
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[He says it quietly, capitulating a bit. With the way Murphy is staring, he can guess that he's arguing with himself, and so Bellamy turns his hand palm up, a silent invitation.]
Clarke's afraid too.
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[ Damn it, Bellamy. Murphy stares for another second more before tentatively taking his hand. With that contact comes the wave of nauseating dread he's been keeping locked up since he saw this stupid post, with a fresh dose of guilt over Clarke on top of it all. ]
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Damn it, Rey.
[He can't imagine how she thought this would go well for anyone.]
You don't have to get involved in this.
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[ Thanks to Rey, all of them are. A bitter thought. He tightens his grip on Bellamy's hand, meeting his eyes. ]
I'm in. Whatever the plan is.
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We'll figure out a plan. Take care of each other.
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Guess we'll just keep an eye on this thing until Clarke weighs in.
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Yeah, I guess so. Too bad. I was looking forward to you telling people how stupid they are.
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[ Murphy isn't in any particular rush to get back to the debate, though. This is nice, right now, and if he starts thinking too hard about the testing then he'll have to let go of Bellamy again. He's not about to subject Bellamy to his turmoil all night, no matter how nice it is to be comforted. ]
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[There's nothing they can do about it right this second anyway. Talking to Rey is like trying to reason with a brick wall, and Clarke's not around to work out a plan with. That means Bellamy's focus is Murphy.]
You okay?
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[ Normally he might have brushed aside the whole question, but lying to Bellamy isn't going to work when he can feel it all for himself. ]
None of this is new to me.
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[And he knows reiterating that they're in this together and will figure it out won't help. Murphy knows that. There's still too much uncertainty and loss of control.]
What can I do?
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[ Since they have a little privacy for now, Murphy tucks his face against Bellamy's neck and brushes a soft kiss there. ]
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You need higher standards, Murphy.
[It's not self-deprecating though, just teasing.]
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[ As soon as his hand is free, he reaches for Bellamy's face and directs him in for a proper kiss. ]
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He relishes the moment. And when the kiss finally breaks, he rests his forehead against Bellamy's, fingers combing through his curls. ]
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I'm glad you're here, Murphy.
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Hearing it now, though, sends a pang straight to Murphy's heart. There's a part of him that will never believe he belongs anywhere, and evidence to the contrary will never not shake him. ]
I'm glad I stayed.
[ He's halfway into another kiss even as he says the words, his lips brushing up against Bellamy's. ]
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If he needs to remind Murphy of the truth every single day, he will, and this seems like a decent place to start. Bellamy slips his hand back to cradle the nape of Murphy's neck, urging him closer.]
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He doesn't fully break away when he whispers a suggestion: ]
Bed?
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He sighs, shifting to bury his face in the crook of Murphy's neck, the empathy bond making it clear how torn he is.]
Later?
[He murmurs it softly, running an apologetic hand through Murphy's hair.]
I need to figure this out first.
[And he's sure Lexa and Clarke will be looking for them soon.]
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[ But Murphy is neither surprised nor annoyed by that response. In his opinion, they would both benefit by not thinking about this shit until Clarke comes around to give the orders. Bellamy's just not that type of guy anymore.
That said, Murphy draws back in an effort to be less distracting. ]
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I've never been fun.
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