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[reproached]

@john.murphy | ■ ▲ ◌ ▼

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[jettisons]

[Bellamy's expression doesn't change, but his shoulders do tense.]

So you think you'd be on your own.

[reproached]

[ Murphy finally looks at Bellamy, craning his neck to do it, wearing a sour expression. ]

We'd all be on our own, by then. We're outnumbered a million to one.

[jettisons]

That's not what I mean, Murphy.

[Bellamy finally sits down beside him, legs crossed.]

Do you think we would come for you or not?

[reproached]

[ That's a less easy answer. He knows what Bellamy wants to hear, but he doesn't want to lie. Not about this. ]

How many times have I disappeared already?

[jettisons]

[That finally gets him to look over, gaze lingering on Murphy.]

I'm sorry, Murphy. For everything I did to you.

[reproached]

I know.

[ That hasn't been in question for a very, very long time. Murphy sighs and reaches out, not for Bellamy's hand but his arm, safely sleeved. ]

I'm not... holding that against you, okay? I know you don't wanna hurt me.

[jettisons]

[Don't want to and won't are two very, very different things. Bellamy doesn't pull away, but he doesn't reach out, either.]

Would you be worried about this if I'd spent those years on the Ring?

[reproached]

[ ...Is that what this is about? ]

Bellamy...

[ Murphy hesitates, because the next thing he's going to say just feels like another accusation, and that's not how he means it. There's no way to be reassuring about this, because it's them, and because it's him. ]

Can you guess what you did when you found out what I'd done in Sanctum?

[jettisons]

[Bellamy's quiet for a second too, and then he just shakes his head.]

[reproached]

You left me to die.

[ And there's no blame behind that statement. He squeezes Bellamy's arm, leaning closer. ]

I deserved it. You had a chance to save Clarke and you took it. I'm not saying you did the wrong thing. I'm saying six years on the Ring wasn't enough to fix me and it wasn't enough to change you.

[jettisons]

[That gets Bellamy to look away, jaw setting. He's sure he can think of a million reasons why he would do that, but the true is, those guesses would all be worthless without all the details of what happened, of how he was feeling. That isn't what bothers him anyway.]

So that's it? We're locked into that forever? You think this is all we'll ever be.

[reproached]

I don't know. Maybe.

[ Murphy isn't nearly as bothered by that possibility. It's not his point. ]

We are who we are and this is what we've got. For now. Maybe forever. I'm good with that. I'll take that risk.

[jettisons]

You're fine with the risk of someone you consider family leaving you for dead?

[reproached]

What should I do instead? Beg people to love me? Tell them to prove it? My own mother couldn't stand to look at me. By the time we got sent to the ground, there wasn't a single person who cared if I was alive, because the only one who ever did got floated for it.

You've always been worth something to someone. Not all of us are that lucky.

[jettisons]

[It's true. He has. And to be honest, he understands why Murphy was such a loose cannon at first on the ground. His reasons aren't so different from Bellamy's. The difference is, Bellamy had Octavia. Murphy had no one. That year where Octavia was locked up and he had nothing had been one of the hardest in his life.]

You're right. I have always had someone. But you're not worthless to me, Murphy, and you're not worthless to Clarke. If the empathy bond hasn't helped you figure that out, there's nothing I can do to convince you.

[reproached]

You don't have to convince me. I know I'm not worthless to you.

[ His grip on Bellamy's arm loosens, like he's thinking about activating the bond just to prove it. There's so much ugliness going around in his head, though, that he'd probably be torturing Bellamy, if he did. ]

But I'm not worth selling your soul. That's a price that's too high for you. Always.

[jettisons]

[His eyes lock on Murphy's, and he doesn't pull away. "Selling his soul" is an odd way to put it. Bellamy still considers himself someone who struggles to do the right thing, who needs other people to keep him level. That's faded a bit since Clarke stole the bunker and he learned all those details about his future, but it's still there.

But that isn't really the point. Murphy is the point.]

Does that make you feel less safe here?

[reproached]

I feel as safe as I ever do.

[ Which is... none. Bellamy surely knows that. ]

What are you really trying to ask me?

[jettisons]

[He does. It's really just confirmation. What he's actually asking is harder to simplify, and he glances down for a moment, considering.]

I want to know how I can make this easier on you.

[reproached]

[ Well. That's not what Murphy thought Bellamy would say. He stares for a moment, fumbling with the response. Because the answer isn't "nothing". There's probably a whole lot Bellamy could do, but Murphy hasn't thought about it, given the overall futility of ever asking anyone to consider his needs. ]

What, like, pinky swear you'll never tie me up and throw me in the closet? Promise I'll never have a gun to my head? If I told you I'm ratting out every single Displaced tomorrow, you can't say you wouldn't do anything you possibly could to stop me.

[jettisons]

Like you tried to stop me from opening the bunker, or letting Echo keep her suit? There's plenty of things you would try to stop me from doing. That isn't what I mean.

[reproached]

So what do you mean?

[jettisons]

You always feel like you have to make the decisions the rest of us won't consider. You always feel like your back is against the wall. I don't want you to feel that way.

[And yes, Bellamy and Clarke have been there more than once, but for Murphy, it seems constant.]

[reproached]

[ With good reason. But Murphy's beginning to understand what exactly is bothering Bellamy about all this. ]

You want me to know you have my back.

[jettisons]

Yes.

[He thought that was obvious with all their arguments about Clarke, but maybe not.]